As Happy as I Choose to Be

Gotcha Day - 8 years later

December 22 - 8 year anniversary of our Gotcha Day!  (I'm a day late acknowledging but we celebrated yesterday!)

Christmas in China brought me the best present EVER 8 years ago!!!  Our adoption group's red couch photo at the White Swan (w/ mom's). 

Wo Ai Ni (I Love You) Mommy

PBS' POV series had a documentary on tonight about a family who adopted an older child (8 years old) from China - Wo Ai Ni (I Love You) Mommy.  It started as the Mom and Grandpa were headed to China to get the little girl.  The husband, 2 boys and their other daughter who was also adopted from China, stayed back home.  It was an honest look at the challenges of adopting an older child from language acquisition to the adjustment of losing her foster family and recognizing that her new family was her forever family. 

Watching it took me back to those 2 weeks in China, especially in Guangzhou completing the U.S. paperwork.  It brought back so many memories that are never very far from the surface.  Those weeks in China are so sharply clear in my mind.  It was such a precious time with nothing to do but get to know Bailee and complete the occasional paperwork.

• I noticed the beds in the White Swan Hotel haven't changed at all.
• I remember counting out the crisp $100 bills for the orphanage donation
• The layers of clothes Bailee was wearing when I got her from the orphanage nanny
• Getting lectured by all the older women in China who thought Bailee was freezing because I didn't keep her in tons of layers. (Actually, they may have had a point...it was zero degrees in Lanzhou and I didn't find/buy a snowsuit in Austin, TX to take over there with us so Bailee did up being bundled in layers and blankets when we went outside. I guess I did deserve some of those lectures.)
• The tears of the foster family on the documentary reminded me of the tears of the orphanage nanny.  While Bailee had been there just less than a year compared to the 5-6 years with a foster family, nonetheless you love the child.  It must be such a hard job for the caretakers who bond with the babies only to have one after another be adopted and gone from their lives.  Even knowing they are going to a better life and opportunity can't make it hurt any less.
• The medical examination. Such a crowded buildling. So many screaming babies and loud voices. Moving from one rather cursory exam to another - measuring the circumference of her head and her length, weighing her, testing her hearing. Actually this was a test we briefly thought Bailee was going to fail. They would shake a rattle off to one side and look for a reaction from the baby. Bailee didn't react and they had to re-test her a few times. I think it was hard for the rattle to compete with the loud noises and screams. Another miserable part of the exam was that at this point, and for another month or so, Bailee would scream bloody murder every time she was laid flat on her back so for part of the medical examination Bailee was contributing to the screams. Not really sure why Bailee reacted this way to being laid on her back, maybe it was due to being bundled for much of her earlier life and feeling loose and insecure when laid out like that. I just know that changing her diaper was misery for both of us. It became a speed race to get it over with as quickly as possible. It was also a bit embarrassing trying to change her diaper anywhere, like on an airplane, because it felt like I was torturing my child - or it certainly sounded that way.

Chinese Culture Camp

The Families with Children from China Austin chapter sponsored its first week-long Chinese Culture Camp, August 9-13.  I had to fly to Orlando on Thursday so missed the final pot luck dinner and play of "Stone Soup" but fortunately we were carpooling from southwest Austin so Bailee got to attend the full week. 

What an amazing week they put together.  Chinese artists showing them the Lion Dance, other Chinese dance, kung fu, how to play Chinese yo-yo, decorating a kite, learning about Chinese landmarks and writing their name in Chinese.  In fact, Bailee got so much practice writing hers that when she came home from camp that Wednesday afternoon I thought she had gotten tattoos up and down her arms.  She was covered with Chinese lettering.  She wouldn't wash it off, though she assured me "it isn't permanent marker, Mom".  We went out to a restaurant that evening and if we didn't live in Austin (6th highest tattoo shop per capita in the U.S.) we might have gotten more weird looks like "what was that mom thinking?"  In the end, it washed off in the shower that night.  The next morning as we were walking out the door for camp again, Bailee yelled "Wait a minute!" and rushed upstairs.  When she came back down she had again written her name in Chinese on one of her forearms.  I love that she was so impressed with this.  And her lettering looked great!

One of the more unique parts of the camp was that they had 2 psychologists who would lead the groups in age appropriate discussions about racism, what they liked about adoption, what they didn't like about adoption.  What a great experience to meet this many other children in the Austin area also adopted from China and be able to share and open up and have common ground.

Not too old to rock, baby!

As Bailee was going to bed tonight, she said "Rock?"  And the answer was "Yes".

Every night when I first adopted Bailee, until she was probably 4 years old, we would rock.  For the first 8-9 months it was to rock her to sleep.  She'd take a bottle and then we would rock, sometimes for up to an hour.  Sometimes I would fall asleep while rocking her.  Her warm little body snuggled, with her head on my chest or shoulder and her feet in my lap, just rocking and rocking.  During these first months she would also wake up in the middle of the night screaming.  I think it was because she had never been alone in her life, sharing a room with 5 other babies.  I would go to her room, pick her up and bring her to my room and the stuffed rocking chair and we would rock.  It sometimes took an hour to get her back to sleep.  No matter how tired I was, I just couldn't put her back in her crib to cry herself to sleep.  In my mind, she needed to know I was there for her and this time really bonded us...no matter how exhausted I was, it was worth it.

As she got a little older, instead of lying against my chest, she eventually began lying across my lap with her head on one of the arms of the rocking chair.  As she got a little older still, then her legs would hang off the other arm.  But still, we rocked.  Talking in the dark is also good for having more serious moments or discussions. We didn't stop rocking almost every night until probably first grade.  But even now, occasionally, we'll still rock.  Bailee said tonight, "You're not too old to rock, even if you're in 3rd grade, right?"  I answered, "Right."

7 years!

It's hard to believe it's been 7 years tomorrow since Bailee was placed in my arms for the first time in that hotel lobby in Lanzhou, China. 

It feels like yesterday because the memories of those 2 weeks in China are still so vivid, yet it also feels like Bailee has been in my life forever. I don't remember life before hugs and kisses, cartoons and children's books, "why's and how come's". 

All I know is my life changed for the better on December 22, 2002 when Bailee placed her head on my chest, looked around and settled in. 

Wow - I'm Bailee's mom!

Thank you God for this blessing I call Bailee.

National Geographic and 100 Wishes Quilt

While at VBS last week, one of our projects involved tearing pictures from magazines and gluing them onto something (can't even remember what...we did a LOT of gluing).  Anyway - there were some old National Geographic magazines...1980!  And I found one with a feature on western China which even included Lanzhou.  Lanzhou, which was on the Silk Road, is the capital of the Gansu province and where I got Bailee and stayed for about a week completing the Chinese government's paperwork. 

Lanzhou was also, at that time and by their own admission, the most polluted city in the world.  Just looking out our hotel window we easily saw 7 smoke stacks just puffing away.  The weather was bitterly cold (zero degrees) but we didn't go out but once a day for other reasons...the pollution.  You'd blow your nose...black snot.  Seriously!  And that was with only one outing a day. 

Anyway the magazine article got me and Renee to talking about our trip to get our daughters, because that is how we met...while adopting at the same time.  We sat on that church pew and talked about our daughters, their current uestions about their adoption, what we tell them.  Basically, Bailee knows she came from someone else's tummy - that I didn't give birth to her.  (We recently had a bit of a discussion about how the baby gets out of the stomach...her response?  "Ewwww - gross!"  I do need to buy a book that explains it better than me, but I still understand that response at age 7.)  Bailee knows she was raised in an orphanage for her first year by lots of Nannies who loved her very much and that the mom and dad who had her in China couldn't keep her and raise her, but we don't know why.  Basically...the full truth.

It got me to remembering one more thing I did while waiting for the adoption to go through.  Made a 100 Wishes Quilt.  In Chinese adoption circles, they say that it is common in Chinese villages that when a new baby is born the villagers come together with whatever scraps of fabric they have and sew a quilt for the new child.  The tradition among adopting families has morphed a bit and basically you ask friends and family to give you 2 squares of fabric (10" x 10") plus a written wish for the child on a card that includes a smaller scrap (1" square) of that same cloth.  The wishes we received ranged from prayers to poems to notes, quotes and thoughts.  These wishes became my first scrapbook for us. And the fabric which I received?  Amazing!

• Fabric with cherries from one cousin - because our grandmother was famous for her cherry pies and she died a number of years before I adopted Bailee but she's represented in the quilt
• Fabric with sheep from an aunt and uncle who were sheep farmers
• Fabric from the baby blankets or curtains or quilts from several friends' children's rooms.
• Pink velvet - from Tracy, our friend and hairdresser, whose favorite color is pink
• Plaid flannel from Renee's dad's favorite shirt.  Her dad died while we were waiting on our daughters.  I'm so sorry for this but at least he knew Renee and Jim were getting a daughter and he would be so thrilled for the joy she has brought to them.
• Fabric with a hand-painted turtle from my 5th grade school teacher.  Mrs. Zweiger has illustrated several books about the desert and told me that the turtle stands for longevity in the Native American culture.  It does in the Asian cultures as well.
• I pulled fabric from an old prom/banquet dress that Mom made me.
• I even cut up a pillowcase that Nanny (my grandmother) had made me when I was a little girl - pale blue with crescent moons and stars.  I slept on that pillowcase for years and years and now it's part of Bailee's quilt.
• Crocheted appliques that had decorated one of Nanny's aprons.  My cousin Becky lived next door to Nanny growing up and Nanny always wore an apron, especially on Sundays after church.  Becky cut up one of Nanny's quilts so Bailee's quilt could include this piece of Nanny.
• Fabric used in centerpieces from my Uncle LT and Aunt Irene's 65th wedding anniversary celebration.
• Fabric from a Christmas table runner used for years by my Bitner cousins.
• Fabric with American flags and Texas A&M
• Fabric with schoolchildren and bears from my cousin, a school teacher.
• And so much more...

My aunt Jimmie Sue and her quilting group (who have quilted once a week for about 25 years) did the actual quilting after Jimmie Sue pieced these wonderful fabrics together.  To think of these wonderful women from Veribest, Texas doing this delicate work for a little girl they only knew through my aunt.  We stopped by there while they were quilting it about a month after we got back from China - so they were able to meet Bailee.  She crawled under the quilting frame and I'm sure she won them over instantly.

This quilt is now a piece of heritage for Bailee.  She may not have antiques or belongings from her birth mother, but she has a piece of history that represents our family and friends and all the love that welcomed you.

The Wait...for Bailee

So it turns out that even after your paperwork is registered with the adoption agency and you think "Yea - that's done!" - that's when the pain begins.  THE WAIT!

My paperwork was mailed off to China on September 10, 2001 (yes, missed any mail delays due to 9/11 by just a day) and was registered with the CCAA (Chinese Consulate for Adoption Affairs) on September 19, 2001. 

So what do you do while waiting?

• Save money
• Spend money
• Decorate the baby's room
• Read baby books "What to Expect..." (though there isn't a version for "What to Expect When You're Adopting" so you get books on toddlers, etc.)
• Write in a journal
• Join Weight Watchers
• Think of baby names - and I had an internal deadline for this since my sister took to calling her Ling Ling until I picked out a name
• Read every website and blog about others who have adopted from China.  Pour of those photos of beautiful baby girls. 
• Start your packing list for the trip to China - it's only a year or so away!
• Drive people crazy talking about the adoption
• Wait...worry...wonder...pray

 

So I painted Ling Ling's (ok - Bailee's) room.  Have always loved You Are My Sunshine, but the last phrase "Please don't take my sunshine away" just wasn't appropriate to paint on the walls of my daughter's bedroom. Ick! Just seemed like bad luck. So I asked my mom and dad for ideas on a new last line.  My dad was always making up songs - total nonsense, sweet, funny little songs - so I figured he'd be great at this!  Turns out, Mom came up with the right ending:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine.

You make me happy, when skies are grey.

You'll never know dear, how much I love you.

You fill my world with sunshine every day.

Notarized, Certified and Authenticated - oh my!

Back to the adoption story..

After making the decision to adopt from China, next comes months of putting together your dossier.  Sounds like you're an emissary to another country.  Reality?  It's every possible piece of paperwork that shows who you are, how much money you make, where you went to school and what you weigh.  Every country has different guidelines.  In addition to the fact that they allowed single women to adopt at that time which a lot of faith-based agencies and other countries do not, one of the main reasons I liked China was there were no surprises.  The Chinese system was just that...systematic.  You had to put together your dossier which consisted of: birth certificate, marriage certificate (if applicable), divorce certificate (if applicable), financial statement, letter from your employer stating you have a job and are going to keep your job, and a health form from your doctor stating you're in good health.  Oh, and if you're single?  You have to type a letter that states "I'm single, have never been married and am a heterosexual." because China does not allow adoption by homosexuals.  Now while true - it was just a bizarre letter to type (first of all it was 1-2 sentences on an entire 8.5 X 11 piece of paper and it just felt goofy).  And to top it off?  I had to have it notarized!  By someone who wouldn't know if it was true or not.  Like I said - goofy!

So that leads to the next step in China's process. In addition to collecting or creating all these documents you have to have each one Notarized (stamp # 1).  Then Certified - which means the Secretary of State for the state where the notary is based must certify that the notary is legit (stamp # 2).  And last, but not least, you have to have each and every document Authenticated.  This meant sending them off to the Chinese Consulate for the region of the United States where you live (Houston, in my case) and they added Stamp # 3 which was basically an additional piece of paper with the red Chinese seal for the Consulate.  I definitely got to know my notary very well (even though I didn't know her well when she came to my doctor's office to notarize his signature on my physical or when she notarized my "I'm straight" letter).  We still go see Mary at Postal Annex and she has a photo of Bailee up on her office door.  In fact...I think we owe her an updated picture.

Why China?

I had a friend tell me the other day he'd like to hear the story of how I came to adopt Bailee some time.  Now granted, I talk about it freely (and all the time, I'm sure) but it made me realize that last Friday was an anniversary of sorts.  On May 15, 2001 I attended an adoption seminar held by Great Wall China Adoptions at the Austin Public Library and basically started my paperwork (dossier) later that week.

But only a month before that seminar I hadn't even been considering adoption.  For so long as a single woman who had worked in convention services in the hotel industry - long hours and in cities far away from family - it wasn't even feasible to consider adopting.  How could I care for a child without a support system?  So even though my circumstances had changed somewhat - now I worked from home in Texas as a meeting planner with my parents 6 hours away (yes, that is close in Texas) and my sister only 30 minutes away, I had still basically given up thinking of having a family.  But one day at lunch my mom called to give me a list of items to bring on my next trip to Monahans for her to put in the garage sale she was having.  My niece Katie was now 3 and had outgrown it, but we had a portable crib that stayed at my house for when they stayed over in town and it was sitting in a closet.  Mom said "Why don't you bring the port-a-crib for the garage sale?  We've basically given up on you having kids." 

Chocolate and Thai Food

Finally got around to scrapbooking again...it's been forever.  One page and I feel like it's a major accomplishment, but it's one page closer to the Family Recipe scrapbook/book.  I've decided there will be a section on CHOCOLATE.  When I started thinking of the various recipes to include, I realized tonight how many of them involve chocolate...so it's like it will have a chapter of its own.

Had dinner with Jim, Renee and Hallie tonight at a new Thai restaurant - Blue Bamboo.  Very good.  Everyone cleaned their plates...Hallie all but licked hers clean and even Bailee finished hers!  The manager or owner stopped over to ask how we were doing and commented that our girls looked Chinese, which we confirmed they both were.  She then said "Thank you for taking care of them." or something to that effect.  She said she was from Vietnam but appreciated families who were taking care of/adopting the Chinese girls.  And of course our reaction was "We're the lucky ones.  They've made our lives complete."  I remember the shop girl in Lanzhou who cried and was so upset when Mr. Waung explained why so many Americans had Chinese babies.  She was so upset that their government couldn't handle the situation.  So many different perspectives...for me - love, family and meaning to my life.  Yes, I'm blessed. I'm so sorry for the woman who couldn't raise Bailee and can't imagine the grief she lives with in her heart on a daily basis, but selfishly I'm so happy for me and the opportunity to be a mom to Bailee.

Dad's After Christmas Bargains

The annual after-Christmas trek for bargains depended on where we had Christmas each year.  If Monahans, then we'd head to Odessa and hit Hobby Lobby, Ace, Lowe's and Walgreens.  The first 3 of these were for Christmas yard lights.  If they weren't at least 75% off...no deal.  Walgreens was for Old Spice and English Leather cologne for Dad.  He didn't want us to buy the gift sets for him as a Christmas present since he would get them at 50-75% off the day after.  He was hard enough to buy for and he wouldn't let us even get him this for Christmas!   Hopefully Walgreens even had a few Brach's marshmellow Santas around for Mom. When Christmas was here in Austin or Dallas, the hunt would expand to other stores...but always included Walgreens.

Dad loved bargains...even more than Mom, I think.  He would love to just take off by himself and hit up several Walgreens or Hobby Lobby's.  He'd come back with all sorts of bargains (?) holiday mugs filled with candy, decorated wreaths, decorative candles.  The year my adoption paperwork had gone through to China but I was a year off from getting Bailee, among the other treasures he brought home, he also brought me a snowman night light.  Honestly it's just a cheap, rather cheesy little night light but I held on to it...losing track of it over the next few years.  But Bailee now likes to sleep with a night light and even though I had bought a cute pink flower light that matched her room...we both like Papa's snowman night light best.